The anti-gravity around the elevators

I believe the elevators have a magical power that makes people act smart when they're around. I see real smart people everyday..

Some real punctual ones, in order to reach somewhere in time, come running to a closing elevator and try to stick a limb in the doors. As if saying "here, could you take half of me to my floor, please? I'll stick the other half in the next elevator"

I guess that makes sense. Why else do you think most of our body parts come in pairs? I mean its just a hand! A hand can't be more important than saving 2 minutes in reaching your desk, so that you can get the first brew from the coffee-machine.

Just the other day, a gentleman came running and stuck his leg in the doors. Fortunately the doors gave way and he hopped in. Said to me smiling: "Some people think that's rude, but I think that works". "Rude?" I thought, "that's suicide, dude!"

I remember seeing a lady who ended up stuck outside for an hour with her hand inside. The only thing she felt sorry about was she couldn't drink the Pepsi she was holding in the hand (aha!)

Some real smart ones can actually talk to the elevators. Why else, would they not press an 'up' or a 'down' button, while waiting for an elevator? They probably just whisper "come down" on the doors, and...just wait!

And when some low-life does press the 'up' button and the elevator finally arrives, the smart ones don't press their floor. Remember, they can actually 'talk' to the machine? And what if it doesn't stop at their floor, who minds a free ride of the building?

And what's the fun riding-in quitely? If you do have a company, the smart thing to do is just pick up a random talk. Start with:

"..and did you see the kind of mails he sends?"

"heck! I ain't seen my inbox in days"

..and then both start laughing. The other dumb-ones on the elevator never get the joke, and keep thinking "damn! why couldn't I talk about such smart things?"

Pain in the neck

Have you ever heard people complain about 'having to' wear neck-ties to work. Many don't say it, they just...well, show it...

The pain they have gone through each day, trying a knot has given birth to some patterns over several decades. Here are a few inventions we owe to these people:

There's one that I call the 'cabbage-knot'. The exact process of tying this knot is not known (I am sure the inventor is trying to get it patented) but it seems wrapping the tie around your fist is a key step somewhere.

I recommend this knot for people who are kind of low on the personality scale, as this knot is so big that it tends to completely take over your personality. I mean I can never take my eyes off such a knot when I am talking to the guy. When such a guy sits across me in a meeting, I think he might as well just leave his tie-knot on the table and leave - his presence is not going to be any mightier than that anyway.

Then there's one that kinda resembles a bib. The key is to start the knot on the widest part of the tie. So that all you are left with is a six-inch peice of fabric, flapping over your chest. Too good for people with a drooling habit.

Some of our inventors seem to have taken the 'dimple' thing a little too far. Their invention is what I like to call the 'japanese-fan-tai'. The idea is to have as many 'pleats' on the tie as possible. And then spread it wide over your shirt. In summers it gives you a feeling of wearing a skirt on the neck.

The 'pant-savers' are my favorites. The tie has to be hanging at least a foot down from your belt. Leaving the knot above as flaccid as possible. And in case you're still guessing, the name comes from the boon the tie can be if you ever left your zippers open.

Some knots, I have not been able to christen yet. Although there are many versions available, the common feature is: when looking at the knot, you should feel a strong urge to hang the guy by his tie, in the middle of the square. Please let me know if you have a name for it..

(grunt)

Paperless office?

Why is it that whenever I wash my face in the men's room at work, they're out of paper towels??

I mean, here you are in the one of your best office-shirts, dripping wet from the forehead down to your chin. And you turn around for paper...Nada!

You look around to see if there're others you could turn to for an answer. But guess what? They seem to take a lesson from you, and don't even wash their hands!!

"Yikes" you say to yourself, but your peers appear to be proud of their dry-hands-policy!!

By this time, the water dripping from your chin has made its way through the neck into your best office-shirt. It's like being in the middle of a stage - with spotlight on you - while the other 'performers' come and go

And you wonder if that's what they meant by 'paperless' office :-)

Hiding behind the e-mails

Yes, that's what employers do. Now I know what a 'firewall' means - its a place for management to hide behind. When was the last time you tried to get a serious HR issue resolved? I mean everytime I try that, all I end up communicating to is my mail-box.

I only got a "Send" button to talk, and probably a few gestures, like "Important" and "Read Receipt" to use in the communication.

I never thought technology could advance this much - it has made a impermeable mesh of wires - network wires as they call them - that you have to shout through in order to talk to someone in departments like human-resources (wait a minute! isn't this the department that was supposed to be resolving my problems in the first place, sigh!)

I guess I have learnt the trick they play to make more money - reduce the input channels as you go higher in the org-chart. And that chart, phew! Have you ever seen one of those? Looking at that, I feel like a rat lost in maze - smelling cheese somewhere in the end of it! And don't ever try to look for your place in that chart! Trust me, all I find is a shaded box that says something generic- like 'Resource' or 'Team'. I mean is that all we are - generics?